All I heard was “il est parti” (he’s gone)

This post is dedicated to my father who will forever remain in our hearts.

My father passed away today at around 2 am. I couldn’t sleep and a good thing at that, otherwise, we would not have been there when he’d gone. My sister and I were watching a series in the other room since sleep couldn’t take us until our mom rushed to get us to come to his room only to say “Goodbye” and thank him for everything he’s done for us and to let him know that we’ll be okay. I wasn’t that conscious when I saw her come in though because her facial expression was enough to tell me. My body automatically did what it had to do but very slowly like a zombie and as I made my way into his room, I could see him pale, eyes slightly open, leaning on the side of his hospital bed, motionless…the nurse was still talking but the only thing I heard her say was “il est parti”…

It was a long and hard battle between our family and his cancer. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor 2 years ago and managed to work for one more year. He was strong. According to his 2nd to the last doctor, he should have been dead 3 months at most after his diagnosis but he lasted 2 years.

The tumor had put a toll on him still and thrice I have gone back to the hospital whenever he was rushed due to seizures in relation to his cancer and made forward plans. I would come and already have an agenda ready in my head and on my hand to add notes and so was he. We were both prepared but it was only he who was prepared to go today. No more plans. Nothing. Silence.

All I have been thinking about during the holiday is how a year ago, I was talking to my dad about history and how we used to go to the park near our apartment to play football since he used to be a football player back in his hometown. The next thing I know, I felt like I was talking to air because his brain could no longer make the link to what he wanted to say to what he actually said. He was a great man, my dad. The best I could ever have had.

For every time I visit him in the hospital, I couldn’t look but I do and appear composed when deep down inside I’m falling apart. He prepared me when I was in gradeschool for exams when they came up and he has prepared me for when he left. I feel even worse for not having shown as much emotion as my mom and sister did but I do feel as much pain but I can’t find myself to show it. Silent tears fell down my cheeks. Everything slowed to a stop. Just like him. Free.

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